Dear Daughter...

My daughter, I know you feel completely broken, but I hold the pieces of your heart in My hand. Your crying may seem insignificant to you, but your tears are in My record. Daughter, turn towards me so that I may wipe every tear from your eye. Little girl, your Father is here.
On this Valentine’s Day I give to you an abundance of gifts.
May the face of the flowers smile upon you today in full bloom.

Let the sunshine kiss your shoulders. May your toes be coated in the sand I have been crafting for centuries. Feast upon the play of dolphins in the surf. They swim an ocean that is a puddle in comparison to My love for you. May laughter escape your lips as I send ladybugs to tickle your fingertips and face.

May your eyes take in My masterpiece. I crafted the sunset to ignite a smile upon your face and peace within your heart.

Each of these gifts are from this Father to His beloved little girl.
Oh daughter, hear this: I am enthralled by your beauty. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me. I love you. Trust Me with your heart. Have I ever failed you? I know you, My daughter. I know what is on your heart, and I know what is best for My little girl. Trust me. Allow Me to carry you. Allow Me to lead you away.
I will betroth you to me forever…in love and compassion. I Am here. Come to the arms of your Father. Turn towards the abundance of My love. Do not cry sweet girl, for I will bestow on you a crown of beauty instead of ashes. Gladness instead of tears. Praise instead of despair. You will know My splendor. You will know My love.
Death could not stop My love for you, and I will never stop pursuing you. Dry your eyes, and know that I will never leave you. Dry your eyes so that you may know the beauty before you.
Happy Valentine’s Day precious girl.

Heal me.

This song has been convicting me all week:

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need."


Reasoning for my conviction? I honestly cannot sing this song without being a liar.
Why? Because in my heart I am having trouble believing those things, even though, in my mind, I know them to be true.
Or I know they are supposed to be true.
I do not do the vulnerability/honesty/openness/communication thing very well, and I am realizing that more and more each day. Crap.
Thanks Jesus.

Caution: Questions ahead.

Joyful and optimistic seem to describe me a good portion of the time.
But can I be honest for a moment? I mean, if I cannot be honest to the Internet than whom can I be honest with?
Today started out completely horrid. There was no reason for it to. I just woke up sincerely wishing the day were already over. Call it a bad case of the Monday’s, but frankly, I do not buy that. I just woke up with the knowledge that this particular day already had it out for me.
Obviously, I am exaggerating a bit, but at first blink, when my 7:29 alarm sounded, those were my honest to goodness feelings.
I think this mood may have been brought on by the fact that my heart has been incredibly troubled for the past 32ish days.
What do you do when heartbreak seems inevitable? Whose fault is it? Is it anyone’s fault? Will it ever go away? How many different types of heartbreak are there? And is worrying about my own heart even relevant when the hearts of those around me are in desperate need of something I may have to offer?
Is this all an attribution of the Fall? Does the difficulty of deciphering His voice rest in the garden?
I cannot hear the voice of God like I should. I dare say none of us can. We try.
Oh, we try so desperately. Sometimes we hear. Sometimes we see. But, a good portion of the time I would wager we do not.
If I could just listen. If I could just silence my mind, mouth, and ambitions, would pain really be avoidable? Would we really be filled with the glorious expectations our Father has hidden for us?
My heart hungers for that intimate relationship with my Savior.
Because we are connected by His heartbreak.
But, all I really want is Eden.
Uganda proposes an anti-homosexual act calling for practicing homosexuals to be executed. We are waging war. Capital punishment. Slaughter of sin should not be taken out against the body of those in practice. If that were the case, we would all be bloodied and dying where we stand. Sin needs to be slaughtered in the heart. I do not mean to sound quite so pacifist here…but maybe I am. Do we not remember the happenings of the Holocaust? Has anyone looked at Rwanda in the past few decades? And what about Haiti? What is happening now? Amidst all of this, how can your heart not break? Where do we go from here? And where does the “go-to-college-to-get-your-degree-so-you-can-get-a-job-and-provide-a-house-and-stability-for-a-family-with-two-kids-and-a-dog” dream come into play? Where is God among all those hyphens?
And as I said before, all I really want is Eden.


The Good Things:
I just ate an entire bag of Chex Mix-score!
Crying.
Fudge from downtown Disney.
Eating off campus.
Disneyland with Ben, Kevin, and Rachel.
A phone call from Cameron.
NorCal visitor this weekend!
Sociology.
RA decision tomorrow.
Taking a risk and requesting an application for a summer something....? (prayer please please!)
Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

Everest is Small in the Eyes of a Savior

My exceptionally beautiful roommate is a gem. Just days before Christmas we discussed God’s monumental ability to move mountains-the big kind, the little kind, and the literal kind. Her pastor(amazing guy. Check him out at www.bridgesworldwide.org) challenged their entire congregation to pray for the moving of a mountain. 40 days of prayer. 1 mountain moved.
So, you know how everyone always says, “God answers prayer?”
Well…He does. He did. But it is so much bigger than that.
Exactly 40 days have passed, and we watched as God moved an entire mountain right before our eyes.
We have committed ourselves to prayer. And this “we” is not just Kendra and me. This generation. A multitude of students, or servants rather, are pursuing a life of prayer.
Why?
Because God is here among us. He pulls at our hearts to come together and seek Him. We want Him to show up on our campus, in our lives, and in the lives of those we feel so incredibly responsible for.
But how?
For us, it is in the middle of our dorm room floor on a rug that is aching to be united with a vacuum. Suddenly something that was estimated to take 3 minutes turns into 30 minutes, as we lay weeping in a hand holding huddle on the floor. We dive into a fit of feverish prayer as God reveals His heart to us. Laughter erupts into shouts of praise, and voices mingle together in a torrent of tears and whispering.
We no longer remember we happen to be kneeling on a rug that at one time was white…I think.
We are transported into a taste of His Kingdom-of Heaven on earth. And mountains move.
With prayers come answers.
With death comes life. And that statement’s implications are unfathomably larger than anyone could ever possibly understand at this time.

As I write this blog, my hand switches between the multitude of letters I am composing, my journal, and this sporadic word/heart vomit you have chosen to read. As I write this blog, a boy throws pebbles at my window. As I write this blog, it is time to attend to the arduous task of laundry. As I write this blog, the phone rings. As I write this blog, I am interrupted by circumstances, situations, and people I was not expecting.
But isn’t that what life is? A conglomeration of beautiful interruptions from the expected?
And isn’t that what prayer should be? A beautiful interruption from the mundane or the expectations of this world?
This world does not expect to see mountains moving.
But as sons and daughters we should.
Let it be said of us:
“They spend much time in prayer, not because they watch the shadow on the dial or the hands on the clock, but because it is to them so momentous and engaging a business that they can scarcely quit.” –E.M. Bounds

Ask me about that mountain.




The good things for the last weekish:
Surviving Monday’s/Thursday’s, Brody’s constant pebble propelling tendencies, CPK hot or leftover, Ben’s strength, scripture sharing from Blake, Rachael’s initiative, IJM meetings, contact from someone I ardently pray will still be my best friend, practical jokes at the expense of Kendra, contact with a long lost youth pastor, Natalie’s adventure with Jesus, a mass amount of intercession, conversing with the lovely Danielle Hicks, prayer circles, a letter from that boot camp buddy of mine, and hugs amidst a whole mess of tears whether they be my own or everyone else’s.



The Countdown:
Disneyland in 4 days. Help for Haiti in 1 week. Rob Bell in 2.5 weeks. Boston in 3.5 weeks. Jesus Culture in 2 months. Summer Staff in 4.5 months.