Loyalty

Yah so basically my loyalties have changed.
Blogger is frustrating me...
I am switching to:
http://hesenther.posterous.com/

:D

For Old Time's Sake

This was written in July of 2003 at Redwood Christian Park. I had just turned 12. 

I am captured in my own pool of filth. 

Sin surrounds me; Your love abounds me, but I still cannot wash away the dirt myself. 

Lord only You can save my soul from this prison-this prison that is killing you while you still have breath.

Lord save me, hold me, make me Your servant. 

Take the key and unlock the door to this prison and my heart. 

I want to be Your child. 

Show me the light to the gates of Heaven.

Save me from death and a dirty past. 

Let me live eternally. 

Prepare me a house in Your dwelling place. 

Father wash me clean.

Let me clean my heart in clear waters.

Father brighten my candle from it's dimness. 

Pull me from the murky grave I am rotting in.

Take my heart and my hand and set me free.

I had not yet entered junior high when this was written. God's love knows no age. I chose to be baptized that summer in the RCP pool.  God has declared Redwood Christian Park an area of intimacy for Him and me. Being given the chance to work there again this summer is making me so incredibly excited. Waiting for work is like waiting for Christmas or Disneyland. All I can do is say "Daddy, are we there yet?" 

God has answered this prayer everyday since I first wrote it nearly 7 years ago. It does not get better than this. 

Soul Siblings

Why is it homeless people are referred to as transients?

And why is it when the word "transient" is used it seems to classify them as another species, as if the homeless are not even human at all...

James 1:27

Up close and personal

JJ Heller's latest song is entitled Control:

"The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me

It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget

One moment of relief is never long enough

To keep the voices in my head from stealing my peace

Oh, control

It’s time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price, but I cannot afford to live that life

It always ends the same; a fight I never win

I’m letting go of the illusion

I’m letting go of the confusion

I can’t carry it another step

I close my eyes and take a breath

I’m letting go …

There were scars before my scars

Love written on the hands that hung the stars

Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me."

JJ Heller’s lyrical creations almost always hit home for me. This song touches a place most people do not know existed for me.

I have always desired to be in control over my life and those who directly affect it. That fact should not be a shock to anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with me. Throughout my childhood, I was deemed bossy. Bossiness evolved into a stark independence as I realized I did not have an ounce of control over the people in my life or their decisions that would ultimately scar and shape me. Independence manifested itself into becoming my way of maintaining power over who I was and who I would become. Obviously, the ultimate theme here is: control was and is my burden, but it reaches so much farther than the independent and brave façade I crafted. At twelve I took “control” to a new level and partook in self-mutilation. Now, I would love to cast all blame on the awkward tension of junior high and the attitudes of the girls I chose to serve, but that would be immature and irresponsible. My discontentedness with the lack of control I had over my appearance, the clothes I wore, my peer relation status, the abuse I suffered, and the condition of my family actually caused me to desire physical pain. My mindset developed into: Why should I not have wounds on my physical body to match the pain I am suffering mentally? Why should I not be in control of at least one aspect of my pain?

My trust and faith had been placed in myself, and ultimately I lost all control. I could not harness my emotions, and causing myself physical pain did nothing for the mental abuse I was inflicting upon myself or suffering from.

Cutting my wrists did not cause me to feel more desired or lovely.

Having my own little self-abusive secret did not stop the negativity from flooding my impressionable mind.

Passivity had taken charge over my self-worth. I feared the opinions of those I surrounded myself with. What was life worth living if I could not live up to the standards of the pubescent pre teens surrounding me? I was desperate for independence and desperate for control of one thing in my life.

Selfish control is not a remedy for brokenness or fear. True control over my physical and mental abuse could only be put into my Father's hands. My self-inflicted pain was not only hurting me, it was breaking my Father’s heart. I was openly rejecting the scars on His wrists for my own. My spilt tears wailed out, "You do not understand. I do not look like the other girls. I am not lovely enough. I am insignificant. I am hurting. I am broken. Your sacrifice is not good enough. Where are you?" In complete compassion, He stood before me whispering: "I am here! You are beautiful! Let me drown out the words of all those insignificant mockers. This pain has already been endured for your sake. Let Me show you the life I want to live with you!" 

I was so uncertain. I loved my Savior, but how could I let Him carry the shame I found in an act I had willingly done to myself? I did not even believe it possible for someone else to be in control of my life without abusing me or causing me pain.

God brought hope to me that summer during a bible study entitled Girls of Grace; He saturated my heart with the knowledge of something more. I was released from the chains of fear and insignificance that bound me. My sights were no longer set on pleasing the girls around me, but on serving my heavenly Father and bettering my heart for Him. I knew I was worthwhile and beautiful, and it was all because He was in control.

The summer straddling 7^th and 8^th grade was my first step in letting go. I chose to no longer live for her, him, them, or myself. Relinquishing control to my Savior allowed me to trade the lies of this world in for the Truth of His Kingdom. In my brokenness I was made beautiful.

I am confronted with the choice between control and letting go each day; I choose to give my life away, because He gave it all for my sake. I may still be an independence seeking mess, but muddled amongst all my confusion I am comforted with the knowledge of my significance and value in Christ.

And even though my scars still remain today, they remind me of who is now in control of my life.

“There were scars before my scars

Love written on the hands that hung the stars

Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me." 

The reason I fell in Love:

I recently finished Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It was phenomenal, and it tugged at my heart in every way I expected it to. If you have never heard of this book, go buy it or ask to borrow it from me. It is a novel based on the book of Hosea. Awesome stuff.

The story of Hosea has always captivated me. God's portrayal of love to His unfaithful wife, Israel, through Hosea and Gomer's marriage just wrecks me. Why? Because I am a dirty whore much like Israel and Gomer. Hold back the shock, please.

Just about a week ago a Brother prayed John 4 over me: The story of the Samaritan woman at the well. Now, what the Spirit spoke to him was paralleling the woman and her testimony to me. My friend rejoiced in her as the first missionary. The woman was so enraptured by the Messiah and His promise that she left the only thing she carried with her to tell the entire town about Him. She was relentless in her sharing because His love relentlessly revealed and pursued her. Her testimony and the words of Christ led many to call Jesus "the Savior of the world (John 4.42)." She sparked curiosity about Jesus and propelled an entire town of people to His arms. As my Brother encouraged this role in me, I could only dare to dream to share in this side of the character of the woman at the well.

The Samaritan woman was also said to have had 5 husbands, and the man she had when she met Jesus was not one of them. But my friend disregarded her unfaithfulness in regards to how he perceived my own lifestyle. Pure perhaps? Faithful? I am not entirely sure. But what I do know is this: I feel more like the Samaritan woman in this aspect than the Jesus-sharing, evangelistic missionary woman she was transformed in to.

I am a dirty whore.

I prostitute myself to my own debilitating fear and control issues each and every day. I know that 1st Timothy 4:12 says do not let others look down on you because you are young, but I regularly look down on myself for being young. I allow my own condemnation to limit what I hear from God and this in turn leads me to a place of unhealthy passivity and an apathetic sin nature. I used to allow myself to make lists of what I thought my life should be filled with. For years, I fooled myself into believing that these lists were my way of trusting God, when, in reality, I was testing Him. I cannot making a shopping list for my husband, family, job, lifestyle, home, and church. Making my own list eliminates the bounty of choices my Savior wants to bring and bless me with.

I play mistress to my image more than I care to admit. Trying to appear as if I do not care takes just as much work as actually caring.

I lust after the opinions of my family. I gorge myself upon their approval of my potential rather than my true Father and Family's encouragement.

And this is why the story of Hosea speaks to my soul: YHWH still calls me His Beloved even when I run to the arms of my other lovers. He craves my affection and attention. He desires to hear me sing out His name no matter how soiled or dirty I become. He longs to make me His one and only so that His righteousness, justice, love, and compassion may be made known to me. I am a dirty whore, and He loves me just as I am. I will continue to break His heart, and He will continue to delight in me just as He always has.

And His Love is what has captivated the essence of my very being.

I am that Samaritan woman, in her testimony of His love and the reality of her promiscuity.

I am Israel, so unfaithful and yet so desired.

I am Gomer, deemed so undeserving of love, redemption, and faithfulness but completely soaked in it.

He will always be my Everything, my Savior, my Sunrise, my Love, and my Abba.

And I will be His Hephzibah, His Beloved, and His Daughter from now until forever.

Hosea 2:14:“But then I will win her back once again.
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there" (NLT)

Hosea 2:15: "There she will sing as in the days of her youth." (NIV)

Hosea 2:19-20: "I will make you my wife forever,

showing you righteousness and justice,
unfailing love and compassion.
²⁰ I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
and you will finally know me as the Lord." (NLT)